Puzzled Parishioner: "Is it the fasting and abstaining, or is the new incense giving us all the munchies?"
Clarence the Clown—"The liturgy committee asked our puppet troupe to perform the Passion Narrative. It's been a few years since we last performed. The previous bishop had a real dislike of anything prophetic, but our new bishop is a real fan of engagement and making the Mass fun for everybody. Unfortunately, we have to build new puppets since the shed which housed them burned down under mysterious circumstances last month after Fr. Gregor Ian Chaunce left under protest at the news of the forthcoming Puppet Passion Narrative."
Permissive Parent—"Remember kids, you can only run around during the homily tonight. For the rest of the Mass, you should make faces at the people making faces at you, and play hide and seek with Mrs. Willowby like you always do every Sunday."
Victor the Vigil Guy—"Tonight's fire will not actually be a fire. The liturgy committee decided a fire was just too dangerous, so we'll gather around a large flat screen featuring the Christmas Log video loop. There'll be no need to light candles since, as was mentioned, we'll be using electric votive candles. Or, you can download the Votive Candle app and display the digital candle on your smartphone."
Carmen The Commentator—"If you're not familiar with the ritual tonight, we'll be providing descriptive services for the liturgically impaired. Use your smartphone to search for Easter Vigil @ St. Preposterous Parish and click on Walk-and-talk-me-through-Holy-Week. Please ensure your cell phone is in silent mode so as to avoid disturbing your neighbour."
Fr. Prance—"The liturgical dance scheduled for tonight's liturgy has been cancelled due to the fact the chosen attire was not as see-through as was hoped for."
Miss Guydyd—"In a spirit of inclusivity, the foot washing ritual will include men and women, boys and girls, cats and dogs and a llama tonight. Except for the four legged animals whose right to live au naturel we fully respect, and given the hygiene conscious community that we are, an anti-fungal spray will be applied to the feet of all participants."