So then, brethren, stand firm and hold to the traditions which you were taught by us, either by word of mouth or by letter (2 Thess. 2:15). Guard what has been entrusted to you. Avoid the godless chatter and contradictions of what is falsely called knowledge, for by professing it some have missed the mark as regards faith (1 Tim. 6:21-22).

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Holy Week Quotes

Progressive Parishioner: "I like that new incense blend—'Smells like 1974!'

Fr. Ron Relevant: "According to the Gospel of Newsweek, Jesus didn't really rise from the dead. His disciples had a resurrection experience after consuming fish laden with hallucinogenic heavy metals."

Pew talk: "Is that Maggie getting her feet washed? Good thing, too! The incense couldn't even cover the smell!"

Carmen the Commentator: "Candles will not be used during the Vigil. Instead, we will be using electric votive candles that will reduce our carbon footprint significantly. Bonus—we have a glow-in-the-dark crucifix!"

Father Odious A. Buse: "To speed things up during Communion, the liturgy committee has decided to institute Communion on the Brow. People should walk past the EMHC at a brisk pace, bow out of respect, and the EMHC will swipe the Host on your foreheads. Thank you for your cooperation."

Puzzled Parishioner: "Is it the fasting and abstaining, or is the new incense giving us all the munchies?"

Chad the Choir Director: "The choir will now sing another generic song that reminds us how special we are."

Tony Tonedeaf—"I'm so thrilled that the choir decided to sing Hot Cross Buns during the Veneration of the Cross. It was soooo sacred!"

Clarence the Clown—"The liturgy committee asked our puppet troupe to perform the Passion Narrative. It's been a few years since we last performed. The previous bishop had a real dislike of anything prophetic, but our new bishop is a real fan of engagement and making the Mass fun for everybody. Unfortunately, we have to build new puppets since the shed which housed them burned down under mysterious circumstances last month after Fr. Gregor Ian Chaunce left under protest at the news of the forthcoming Puppet Passion Narrative."

Permissive Parent—"Remember kids, you can only run around during the homily tonight. For the rest of the Mass, you should make faces at the people making faces at you, and play hide and seek with Mrs. Willowby like you always do every Sunday."

Victor the Vigil Guy—"Tonight's fire will not actually be a fire. The liturgy committee decided a fire was just too dangerous, so we'll gather around a large flat screen featuring the Christmas Log video loop. There'll be no need to light candles since, as was mentioned, we'll be using electric votive candles. Or, you can download the Votive Candle app and display the digital candle on your smartphone."

Carmen The Commentator—"If you're not familiar with the ritual tonight, we'll be providing descriptive services for the liturgically impaired. Use your smartphone to search for Easter Vigil @ St. Preposterous Parish and click on Walk-and-talk-me-through-Holy-Week. Please ensure your cell phone is in silent mode so as to avoid disturbing your neighbour."

Fr. Prance—"The liturgical dance scheduled for tonight's liturgy has been cancelled due to the fact the chosen attire was not as see-through as was hoped for."

Miss Guydyd—"In a spirit of inclusivity, the foot washing ritual will include men and women, boys and girls, cats and dogs and a llama tonight. Except for the four legged animals whose right to live au naturel we fully respect, and given the hygiene conscious community that we are, an anti-fungal spray will be applied to the feet of all participants."

1 comment:

  1. Ouch. Lol. You made my day. Witty, but pointed and painfully so because of the tragic truth underlying the wit


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